Life Does Get Better

 December, 2025.

I told you I only write once a year. And it wasn't intentional. I forgot it exist and I comeback to update briefly about me - to my future self.

Every new year, I will prepare fortune balloons to give out on New Year - to friends, family and sometimes random strangers on New Year's eve. They will have to pop the balloon and read out their fortune. I popped two.

1. I will be bless with good friends (with plural S). Thank God, I am bless with them.

2. I will be bless with good fortune - multiple sources of incomes. THANK GODDDDDD.

So, here's few update. I bought a new car. Lordddddd, after been bugging by A LOT OF PEOPLE (THEY HATE MY KING I SWEAR), I finally decided to buy a new car. I hope you all are happy I love you more than I love my money (crying in Ringgit Malaysia). My previous car has NO PROBLEM at all for your information. Its just... old? My family is worried about me going back and forth 350km per journey hence they want a 'younger' car to take good care of me. That's the backstory.

I am still at the same place where I began. Something about that sting a bit. I probably wont be here for long. I will...definitely, miss this place. And my current Boss Baha. And my little gang in our small little room. Deep inside, I want to be with them forever. This is the best team I have so far. No one come close. 

I went places this year for leisure and business purposes and sometimes, I think travel life is NOT for me. I DONT hate the place nor the people. Its the 'journey'. and maybe packing and unpacking things. 

Also, I didnt met my uni bestie at all this year.. Except for Aycho, I didnt meet Merikor nor Meyyo.

I've been blessed to know a couple names within 2025 where I dare not say out loud. But knowing them really makes me happier.

I have a lot of plans for 2026. Too much Im not sure if its actually could fit my plate. But at least Im willing to try. 

2025 has been kind. I hope life gets kinder in 2026.

Thank you for the memories my favorite people.

I love you so much, heaven heard your names. 

R.I.P 20s

Dear self,

Life takes us for a rollercoaster ride and I havent been able to write for years.

Although life been quite tough, my previous version of me has handle them well and I'm quite happy with where I am now. 

I read through my older posts and I swear to God I cringe hard. I almost press that delete button (AND I DID PRESS THE BUTTON for few post because I guess my older self would cringe even harder). The post I didnt delete, although I find it hard to reread, that was me. I would want to remember her despite the cringiness written all over. 

There are few things I would like to remember from this version of life. Hence, I write. I'm writing this to you, my dear self, who is reading this in future. Somewhere this version of me has been altered a couple of times - I guess. Or are you still me? Oh please be a better one.

I met a couple of good friends in my workplace. Kak Ayu, Aqilah and Vin. All I considered my sisters. I love them so much because they bring joy in my working life. Imagine being able to have fun in a hectic environment. Imagine being able to laugh at the face of hardship? I dont have to imagine them.

But Kak Ayu and Aqilah are now transferred to a new better place. I was sad but Im happy for them. So Vin is all I have now - to keep me sane. But we manage to survive well so far.

I know I couldnt write long. Its almost 10.30am and I have to get ready for appointments. 

I wish I could tell you a lot more so you have things to remember in the future.

F.

Welcome to 2020

Henlo,

Welp, I'm in 2020. Years passed since my first entry. Occasionally visiting this old blog for the sake of old memories. I really was that kid with such mentality. Still searching for self identity. But hey, 2020!!

I'm writing this for my future self.

Since the end of 2019, the world is weirdly in a very bad shape. Corona virus.We used to be under MCO (Movement Control Order) or PKP, then moved to PKPB (Bersyarat) where we can go around under strict SOP. Then we have PKPP (Pemulihan AND we also have PKPD - Diperketat). Ops, goodluck future kids answering sejarah.

During the MCO, we cant go anywhere. Everyone stay at home. One person per house to go out buying groceries. Always wearing mask. Hands sanitizer everywhere. Social distancing.

I went out once because I'm the head of MY household - the rest were at risk (elders) so I'm the best candidate to go out for the family. I saw police around and that scared me when I did nothing wrong. It just feel wrong to go out even when I'm allowed to.

I was supposed to enter the new phase of my life in March then it get delayed to June because of MCO. Life gets back to normal now. Thank God.

You know what, I'm gonna stop here because I'm quite tired. Today is quite tiring for me. But you did well dear self. So maybe someday, I'll write again after I've list down what happened in 2020.

But just so you know, each year has the same 365days, right?
2020 is the longest 365 so far and its not even 365 YET! For the record, I'm writing this in JUNE.

Take care everyone. Since its still 2020, the virus is still around, you have to take very good care of yourself.

Wear mask. Avoid crowded places. Keep your social distance!

Last Memo to My Bestfriend (as a degree student)

Henlo,

Im writing this in the hall, before the ceremony. You havent arrived yet. Im worried as hell. There, arrived, my bestfriend looking so pretty. Your kasut now. Have to worry about your kasut. Last phone call, you told me the kasut rosak. My heart almost burst takut for you. Hahahhaha.. Selendang tersilap now, aiyooo. Im looking from behind. You are currently tgh kemaskan rambut. Kasut prob settle. All is well now. Vice Canselor tgh berucap.

Im writing this just before we finished the ceremony. Tunku Canselor tengah berucap. Last one. Love the way he talked. Like he only has points and he elaborate them all there, no texts. Love it. Im looking at you from my place nk cakap itulaa.. Love the way he talked. Hahahahahah.. You are always the first person I thought whenever I have stories or any random things to share. He was talking bout graduating phd at 27. Wow! Subang etc. And he's giving us the Usman Awang punya sajak.

Im writing this in front of the masjid. While waiting for you with the gift that came all the way from India. My heart hurts knowing you guys walked from Dewan Besar to Padang Kawad. I HOPE it will be a funny story to talk with your friends someday. Dr Maria texted she cant make it to take pic with us. Its okay.
You came. In a white car, its a full house car. Hahahahha cute ja duduk atas riba. Not sure if you notice i was waving you. Wondering when is the next. Then eh, The next is next week.

Im writing this in a car. I usually got dizzy writing or reading in a moving car but I guess Im alright now. My mind is occupied. I already miss you, miss my student life. Adulthood is scary. Im jealous how you seems to dont have much trouble about it. Or you just hide it well. Idk. You are always and will always be a strong person in my eyes. You inspired me so much. Like a real sister I have and will always looked up to.

Im writing this before im going to bed. The letter makes me go T.T . I wont be able to drag your blanket anymore but I'll disturb you from time to time. Merikor, from a classmate to housemate to roommate, a bestfriend, a sister I love so dear, Im so thankful you exist in my life.  I wont be seeing you everyday dah after this but I'll always available for whenever you need me.

This may seems like an open letter but its not complete without that one letter I gave on graduation day. Therefore, a complete memo can only be read by that one and only, receiver of that letter. A friend I dedicated this memo for.

Take care lovely sister. I love you bunches.

Congratulations!

Phenji - Mietoto

(A Time Capsule Letter to my Dearest Friend)

Hey, I have wrote about you a few times in Your One Sweet Bestfriend and The Value of Gifts. I would be very glad if you could check them out first before reading this entry.

From the last time I wrote about you, your current nickname is Toto. Sometimes I called you Totoyo. From Merito to Mieto to Mietoto to Toto and Totoyo real fast. You are used to be called Miss Grumpy too. Most of my insta stories are about you, being grumpy af.

From a person who will say 'sorry' when I said 'shit' and rephrase it with the 'S-word', I can say '**** Y**' without hesitation now (let's not take that as an achievement unlocked). From someone who care so much about what people think of me, I grow to not give an F. My point is, it must be weird to see such changes in me but then again, bila je aku tak pelik?

I became extra clingy with you lately because I started to realize how little time is left before we will go our different ways. We will meet again, obviously, but it might not be the same. New life, new place, new responsibility, new commitment, new people. But I promise you will always be one of my favourites. So bear with my clingy-ness a bit more. Bear with my weirdness, clumsiness, annoying-ness, retard-ness (they are some obvious made-up words there but whatever). The thing is, I'm gonna miss this moments.

We fight a lot though. Most of it because of me, being annoying but disturbing you, is a real hobby. I told you I can start a part-time job as your annoyer(made up word again). I love to stay on the right side of your bed. Love to rephrase your sentence with annoying voice. Love to pull your hair (bully alert), poke your cheek and make you mad. Must be a real torture right, Toto. We are very different yet we managed to stay together through out the semesters. I'm writing this in semester 5. Three semesters to go and I'm not sure what will happen to us. But I really hope to survive this 4 years with you. You are more than just a sister, Shargu. You are my all-types sibling. You can be a sister, a younger sister, a sibling I fight a lot and a sibling I shared most.

Ah, I called you Shargu. Because we used to sing Baby-Shark together and we started to call each other Sharkie. But we end up with individual names instead. You are a Shargu. I am a Sharbie.

Thank you for lending your stocking that one time in Dr Farah's class. Thank you for hugging me whenever I break down and need one. Thank you for listening. For always there behind my back. For pushing me to be better. I'm always thankful that HE send you here, Mieto. I rarely tell you that I'm very proud to have a friend like you, but I do. I really do. I looks up on you so much.

I might have forget about this letter once it arrived. I'm not sure if I'm still there in your life. I wish I am. If I do, then its your responsibility to remind me to this embarasing thing.

Love,
Sharbie

Liars of The World

I'm used to being lied at. I'm not talking about the bad liars. But a good liars. I grow up watching people lied almost everyday of my entire life. But good or bad, a lie is a lie. And it is still bad, even with a very pure honorable intention.

People lied as a way to escape, to save themselves. Or to bring temporary comfort which actually lead to instant road to hell. Giving false hope so you can wait for nothing. 

Everyone is the same. Most people used the same trick, same old way. To the point I dont trust anyone anymore. I dont believe in anyone. No, I HAVE NO ONE TO BELIEVE IN. There are people I should put my trust on, but I dont. You can throw me all your words I'm not going to take it. But YOU ARE WELCOME TO PROVE ME WRONG. I live by this rule everyday of my life.

In my opinion, maybe they thought they do you a favour by lying because it prevent you from hurting in that LITTLE. SHORT. TEMPORARY moment but what they dont know is, they were tattooing scars on your heart. The process is hurting and at the end of the day, it will leave a mark, permanently. Exactly like a tattoo. The only different is, it was scars. Bloody horrible scars.

A wall were build inside your heart along with the scars. A wall, this so called "good liars" contribute piece by piece and you still see it growing as if its not high enough yet. A wall that keep you safe, they said. It is actually a wall that makes you a cynical-words-holder. A wall that make words seems like a joke to you. A wall who dont believe in anything she heard because in this world, human are not to be trusted.

One thing you might dont know about being someone who cant believe is, its sad. Because you got nothing to expect from people but lies. It's sad because deep inside you still want to believe yet you cant. You know how the world work. You mastered the tricks. Nothing amuse you anymore.

Is it weird to develop phobia in trusting people? If it is, I am that weirdo.

I trust no one but myself.

Update: Dear my old self, life gets better. You are way far in a better place now.

Open Letter to My Golden Hearted Senior.

This is a memory. It will be long. I've told you in advance. Read at your own risk.

During my orientation day back in 2015, I was alone. Because I'm the only student from my high school in this IPTA. My housemates? They got friends from their school. So they barely home. I dont know my coursemates yet at the moment. Actually I know a few back from our interview days but they are in different college (hostel). So I thought, everyone have someone to go to. I have none. So I stayed in my room. It was so lifeless. Morning to evening, orientation. Night, alone in my room. Luckily, I'm good in talking-with-stranger-for-the-first-time. So I'm not that 'alone' during orientation. But I'm literally alone when its done. Different from other people, I cant wait for the day so I can join the orientation again. It was tiring but at least I have people to talk to.

The thing about talking to stranger, they dont last like a friend. Imagined knowing variety of different people within a week. Different people each day. If I meet someone, I will talk to them and shamelessly said "Hey, can I join?". I have this friendly easy to mingle vibe you see. I still wave at them whenever we meet these days and some of them still remember me as the-girl-during-orientation-day. I remember them as that too actually. I forgot the name because it was just for a day. But I memorized them faces very well. 

I forgot how many days were the orientation days but a day before it end, I was sick. I was so sick I nearly fainted on the bus. Because I didnt eat that morning. I dont have appetite and the weather is "VERY HELPING". It was so hot outside and very cold in the bus and soon when I went out from the bus, striking hot again on my head. That very same effing day, we have to walk from the main hall to this Dewan Kuliah which is super far (by walking). You have to cross a football field you know. maybe bigger than football field since I used to see boys playing football on the left side of the field and people practicing rugby on the right.

I was sick and I havent make friend yet that day, I have no one to turn to. I dont know to whom should I tell about my condition that I dont have the energy to join orientation today. I met one of my coursemates and she told me to inform the facilitator (faci). You know, the struggle is real okay. I call them but no one heard me. I was too weak. Probably my voice cant be heard too. I didnt eat, the weather is too much, I just come back from that far away land (DKP). And I was half-blind at the moment. This dark dots starting appear in front of my eyes. So I cant walk to them asking for help. My friend called them for me but they were too busy to see because they have the stage to attend. Maybe because they were in charge of the stage. So they wont bother about anything else. They dont even listen, okay. They just said "later.. later.." What later? Someone is dying here. Well, actually I didnt blame them on that. If I died, it was my fault actually. Who told me not to eat. Its not your home which you can go eat anytime you want. They provide everything already. So it was MY FAULT. Fully. But obviously I wanted to be save yeknow. I want someone to notice and do something. It was hurt. It hurt so much, my head ache. I feel my body was so weak I can fall anytime.

At that moment, there is a faci walk by me. She didnt noticed me either but I grab her hand (it happened that I sit far left, so I turn around a few time to see if there is anyone and a faci is coming. So I didnt say anything, just grab her hand). She didnt say "later.. later.." though I think it obvious she was walking to the front for a reason (I dont know what). She said "Are you sick? Can you walk with me to the back?". She hold me and brings me to the back hall where other faci(s) gathered. First thing she asked "Do you have fever?" I said I'm not sure. She asked if I've eat? She wanted to give me a panadol. I said I've take a panadol (my coursemate gave me earlier) but I havent eat yet. She smiles and said "You cant take panadol without eating. (panadol takkan react apa entah. Tak ingat. It something like, panadol cuma berkesan if you take it after you eat something). So she hand me a bread (roti gardinier 80sen tu) from her pocket. Told me to eat. She called her friends (under kebajikan or ubat2 ni semua) a chinese guy, wearing spec. He was nice too but I dont know him. I heard he know things yang guna jarum2 tu, orang panggil apatah. acupuncture? Idk lah. But when this guy was asking me this and that about my condition, I heard someone asked that faci who help me earlier. "Hey, have you eat?" and she said no. She said NO. She gave me her bread when she dont even eat yet. She gave me HER bread because I need it more. I feel bad though. Then she went to the front again. I was left at the back with this ajk kebajikan and few other faci(s).

I was touched by her first kindness handing me her bread when she havent ate. I thought that was her only kindness I will remember. Her task sending me to the back is over. But then she comes again with a mineral water and asked "do you have mineral?" I shake my head, no. She open the mineral for me and hand it over. I dont think it was her job to look after me. Coz I THINK she was under AJK Makanan (im not sure, I'm still guessing). It was very kind of her to come and check on me. It was nice and I did feel good. You know in a place where you are alone, no friends to turn to, was sick and want your family but you obviously cant, there is someone nice out of nowhere be there for you. Though it might be their responsibility to take care of the students, I still see her as a nice faci compare to the "later.. later..." faci(s). I remember her face because I want to remind myself, you owed her kindness. Someday if she is sick or in trouble, do help without hesitate. Because for a brief moment, she succeed in making me feel home.

Soon after orientation, I found out that she is my course senior. I know her name and her sem. She is a great individual. I may sound like a stalker but I'm not. I just eventually find out because she is one of the upper people in my course. I mean, she held a position in my course management. It was fun to know. I want to be a nice person like her. My friends work with her and they said she is very nice which I already acknowledge since orientation day.

I hope she get all the good things the world can offer for all those small little thing she did which most people didnt noticed. 

Keep doing good. You dont know which heart you touch with that kindness. You dont know whose world you changed with that kindness. Keep doing good. Keep doing good.

Sayonara!

The Value of Gifts

I believe that I have this big bright loving heart inside of me (kakakaka, shadap, dont try to stop me). So I have a lot more bright loving hearts that love me back. (okay, boleh kecam sekarang).

Tutup intro.

Aku baru dapat hadiah ni. It's not even my birthday yet but this one friend of mine memang suka bagi hadiah out of occasions. So kita bagi dia extra love sikit, It was a soft toy. Baby elephant. Because I'm short and fat, I'm an elephant. Basically elephant ni symbolize me laa.. I called her a giraffe because she's tall and skinny. She's actually quite pretty. I didnt write that.

Before this elephant, there were several more I would like to share here. Random gifts she gave out of occasion and makes me feel like, cryingggg..

First, she bought me a hello kitty bottle. Actually she bought me a KitKat yang contain botol hello kitty as a gift tu. I want that bottle. Aku nak beli sendiri sebenarnya tapi dia tolong bayarkan and she refused to take my money. So, it was a gift la kan? Then she gave me Eito, a cute baby bear. Kitorang pegi bundle and this Eito caught my eyes. Again, aku nak beli, dia yang bayarkan. Why you so nice arr, akka.. Soon after, I received a mysterious pink giant teddy bear. I dont know who gave it but I nearly throw it away la sebab my mom cakap kalau xtau sape bagi jangan terima. Takut jadi macam-macam (sorry family old school but I LOVE MA MOM). But before i threw it, I give that teddy a name, Terry (as in Mystery but Terry). I love him so much it so fluffy hamaigad but have to throw it away laa kan. Nasib I didnt lagi Jahhh sebab she and my roommate finally mengaku that it was kerja diorang. My besfriend bought it. My roommate bersekongkol. So Terry is safe and sound in my room now with Ken, my other bear since form 4. In general, I love toys. In specific, I love teddy (tak kisah lah teddy bear ke teddy frog ke teddy fish ke, but wait, teddy tu memang untuk bear je eh? whatever but aku suka la patung2 soft toys ni semua).

And I loves it more, because it was from her. My super duper bestfriend. There are several people I loves most when I received any present from them. Whatever it is. My family, my boyfriend, my bestfriends and PERFECT STRANGERS (okay, boleh start hantar hadiah kat aku sekarang. Nak alamat tak? BYE). My boyfriend gave me Apollo once and I still keep pembalut Apollo tu. kakaka...

The value of the gift, aint just because it was something I loves dearly or it was expensive, but people who gave it to me, have special place in my heart. I guess that is one of the reason why I treasure this so much.

Merito is sick when I wrote this. She has fever. She dont even go to Mr Sidik class. Not even Dr Hashimah class. It was quite bad. I lost my (precious 4months baby) phone recently so I guess it was her gesture to comfort me. She bought me this elephant. I asked her to named my baby elephant as an honour but she was too sick she forgot I ever asked that maybe. So I named it myself.

I dont know if she will ever know.

This baby elephant name is Lyco. Short for Lycopersicum. In case you dont know, Lycopersicum is scientific name for TOMATO. I only have one MeriTomato in this life so I need to honour her name in one of my teddy.

Thank you for everything Merito. Get well soon. Your Mok loves ya.

One Left Behind

I will move on. I said.
Tomorrow I'll be free.
But I keep hang on to the memories..
Keep it near, never leave..

I know someday I'll let you go..
I know you aren't the one I'm looking for..
But I love you still..
Maybe will always will..

And I believe someday I'll let you go..
But until I can do so..
Let me hang on..
To another tomorrow.

Piano Player

She stared at the keys over and over again with million melodies inside her head.

She put her hand on them but she did not pressing any.
She let her head plays the melody.

Bcoz her hands, they are broken fingers that can no longer play.

Sirius Star

Your love is like a Sirius..
Shine brightest in the universe..
Keep shining miles away..
But you are invisible to me..

Way too far beyond the light..
Hiding silently behind the sun..
Send the moon to bright my night..
But it never was you..

Your love is like a Sirius..
Its warmer than the sun..
Bigger than million stars..
But the warm didnt reached me..
Its the love I can never see..

If its too near, I'll get burn..
Coz its too far, you're bleed and hurt..
Poor Sirius keep it hidden..
Gifted with the greatest love that cant be given.

Your love is like a Sirius.
Exist.
But went by unnoticed.

Random Post

I read a lot, recently. I watched dramas and movies which makes me trapped inside the poor pitiful characters - whoever they are. Mostly second lead of course (they make you have this BIG as hell soft spot in your heart and you wanted to love them instead). Oh, btw you know why its "big as hell" not "big as heaven"? Coz God makes the hell bigger since you know, there are not many good people on earth anyway. Kay, just a random statement.

I dont like it when I am emotionally involved with fictional characters but I cant help it. They indirectly help me to write. I felt as if they convey their feeling to me and said from far "put this feel into words, Nika.. Put it into wordsss..". Kay, overreact. Habis situ.

The thing is, I'm quite different in the world behind this screen. My friends know I write. But they dont know I have this blog. My friends know me as a hyper happy go lucky person but when I read-through my entry, I felt as if I'm an emo loner person. If they found this blog, boleh dibuat bahan 7 keturunan.

There is only two person who really know about this little secret. Of this little place for me to escape. My boyfriend and a sister of mine. Coz I'm very emotional ye'knowww.. Happy person can be sad too. But sad over dramas, my friend will "Chill laa, bukan real pun. Over arr kau". Aiyo ma frenz, its not real but the feelll is real. Me iz zad ye'know. I know sad too ye'knowww.. 

Sad for all those heart full of love but been rejected and they get hurt. Sad for all those unappreciated love. Sad for forbidden love. Sad things second lead always got laa..

I REALLY need to let them all out.. So yeah, here i am. 

Friend-Zone

We are friends..
You said..
You build a safe ground for me to live..
A prison I can never get through..
You said I'll never get hurt..
But I suffered even more.

You let me love you like a lover..

But you went around like a cheater..

What right do I have to be mad..

What right do I have..

To be mad?

How do I hate a love..

That refused to be love..

But still there, making me smiles?

How do I hate a love..

Who hate to lose me from his side..

Who love me so dear..

In the name of friendship?

How do I undo this love?

Your One Sweet Bestfriend

An open letter to a bestfriend who will never read this.

I have a super bestfriend which I love the most. I met her since Semester 1 and thank GOD it still stand strong up until today, though I know she get annoyed with me most of the time now. Coz I loves to disturb her and who am I to fool, I hate you too sometimes, BIJ.

Within this friendship, we both have seen a lot... a variety kind of friends. People comes and go but I'm glad she stay. From ZaiZaii to TooCoolFanClub to TooCoolLoyalMember to Hosmetz to The Mitero's (our current names, I'm not sure its gonna change to what next), its kinda miracle to see this one friend still here. To still be able to cope with my weirdness is a miracle.

We both called each other MOFO and BITCHES (but it doesnt hurt at all. It doesnt sound as an insult when she called me that. In fact, other people start to recognised us as THE MOFOs). She got another name for me now as I wrote this, in November 2016. She called me "MOK (referred to GEMOK since I gained 7kg during sem break). So I called her "NO BUTT" as my way of insulting a skinny tall girl. HER.

This girl, when she get weird, all those typical Malaysian insult will keluar out of nowhere. She's a funny person. A beautiful grandma lady. One of a kind. On her face is the coolest "Dont Give A Shit" about everything. But actually, she cares a lot. She take good care of you. She's good in PRETENDING she's not fragile at all. You know what, she's the one you should "Handle With Care".

One of the most annoying thing I love to do is to speak English with Chinese or Indian accent. Sometimes she joined me. Sometimes she wish to throw handphone at my face. Well, you wont do that. I'm your MOFO. We love to sing. You can start any songs and within 2 seconds, you will listen someone else sing along. That will be us. Or another way to annoy MY Mofo is when she sang something, you dont sing along, you reply it with sentences.

Ex:

1) "Baby, this is what you came for".
     "No, I dont."

2) "Baby you light up my world like nobody else"
     "Really? I know"

3) "Do you wanna build a snowman?"
    "Where got snow? Where got??"

Her name will constantly change coz I loves to give nickname. From Mofo to Merito to Mitero. Combined them together you got Mofo Merito Mitero. Just recently I came out with new name for her which make her name became Mofo Merito Mitero MeriTOMATO. I dont know where this MeriTOMATO came from.

This November 2016 version of her, she loves cap. She's been asking it around from her boyfriend and her bestfriends and her friends. This one annoying makcik of mine. SMH.

I couldnt afford to buy her present during her birthday coz finance was very tight orh. I'm a student maa. I only gave her a small box of Kitkat with ELS batch which have her favourite colour. I bought it for her long ago just to give it on her birthday. So when I have the money, I decided to buy the cap for her. I bought TWO. Without telling her anything. Without informing her or have the intention to let her know... it was from me. I wanted to make it mysterious.

However, this girl, being hyper-imaginative with weird over-thinking, started to gather bizarre negative thought about the cap. About the sender. I thought I need to do something. Maybe I should just tell her the truth but not just yet. I wanted to wait until the second cap arrived. Unfortunately, being an over-thinker herself, she makes me worried as hell. Its just a cap for God-sake. So at the end of the day, when her over-thinking state is at the climax, I tell her the true and she was dumbfounded. As expected. Bcoz she's been fool all day long. She dont even realised I was texting about her with Aishah when she's actually sitting in between us. Nado saranghae 😆🙆

There will comes a time when I can no longer be there for you. There wont be anyone to scream  MERITTTT!!! and when you turns around, I simply said "Saja". Or there wont be anyone to call me Mofo. Or play around weirdly. Or willing to go through hell with me jalan kaki ke PT. Or laughed happily during hardship. Or hate people we hate togeda-geda.

Since we've seen a lot of friendship comes and go, I really wish this friendship last forever. We've seen bestfriends turns stranger. We've seen talam dua muka. We've seen friend with benefit. We've even see friends who dont appear when you need them the most. They all started from friend to bestfriend and when they started to know each other deeper, they grew apart. I hope we dont end up like them. Or other things we dont expect to come.

I dont know what will I missed. So I give them all away. All I ever have for everyone around me. Coz if something are going to happen, I wont regret not doing something I could have done when I had the chance.

You wont read this. But still, I love to leave this piece here as a memory to remember. One of those important people whom I met in my life.

Dear Mofo Merito Mitero MeriTOMATO, you have one of the sweetest bestfriend yet you will never know she wrote this for you. Sleepinghead.

If you read this far in future, I hope I'm still there to be your laughing stock.

Sincerely,
Your One Sweet Bestfriend, Mofo.

A Runner

I was a runner. Not just an ordinary runner.
I am a runner.
And I'm a winner.

Ini cerita zaman sekolah rendah ajelah. Pelari untuk rumah sukan sekolah.

I'm born with extra-hyper-energy (that I believe still in me until today but not as much as the 7-12 years old me blessed with). Aku memang lasak habis. Aku pernah cerita aku pecah masuk pagar hospital. Tak ada kanak-kanak perempuan nak kawan aku. The girls yang jadi kawan aku cuma dua orang kakak umur 16tahun and I was 6. Lain semua lelaki. At one point of my life, I do believe my mom tak expect her daughter will be perempuan sejati like today. Alhamdulillah. Kalau tak, matilanaakkkk...

Masa 6 tahun tu jugak, kitorang pindah kampung and guess what, aku lagi lasak. Tapi yang bestnya duduk kampung, selasak-lasak kau masuk sawah padi, panjat pokok kelapa or main kejar-kejar satu kampung, there will always time for main kawin-kawin. Tapi aku tak pernah dapat role pengantin (menci arr). Tapi bersyukur jugak arr.. Kang time wedding sebenar, suami zaman kanak-kanak aku sampai acaner? Dah la kawin tak pernah cerai.

Okay, kita dah tersasar jauh dari cerita sebenar entry ni.  Kat mana tadi? Ah, I was a runner.

I was a runner and I was a winner. Aku suka sangat berlari. Aktif sungguh. Masa darjah 1, mana aku tahu ada pertandingan lumba lari. Mana aku tahu hari sukan tu apa. Cikgu suruh lari, aku laaaaari je.

I remember the first time I ran for saringan tahun 1, the blur me was told to run and I did run sepenuh hati with the other tahun 1 yang lain. Ala, comel.. I just ran and it was so nice when your body colliding with the wind. And everything around you seems so slow coz you are the fastest and bila kau pusing tengok belakang, semua orang dah jauh kena tinggal and you are the leading one.

Sedar-sedar dah kat garisan penamat. Dah lepas penjaga masa. And kau start slow down while waiting for the rest of your friends to reach the finishing line.

As I grew older, aku selalu masuk acara larian. I will win no matter what. Eventhough I'm not the first, I will still get the 2nd or 3rd. It was so great. Zaman kegemilangan.

Aku ingat saat kawan-kawan cuba berlari untuk potong aku and I was teasing them by slow down a bit but terus pecut when we are damn near the finishing line. I remember always looking back to see how far I've left people behind. I remember how fast the wind are, touching my face, my skin, my hair (masa tu free-hair lagi). And the thing I will never forget was my heart was aching, beating so damn fast and yes, I'm so fucking happy. I will trade everything to have that damn moment back.

I remember how free I was when I ran. I think of nothing and I'm one with the wind. God know how I miss that moment. God know how running make me feel so fucking free and I AM ME. Thats how I spend my hyper energy so well.

I hung up my jersey when I was 13. I leave the running life. The field. And THE FEEL. I'm focusing on academic and my new friends arent really sport-people. I do, once in my life feel like running is just wasting my time. And I thought I should learn to be more feminist and lady-like. My physical changed and I'm no longer a flat little lady. It makes me uncomfortable to run around with that new body. So just like that, my life as a runner end.

But to be fucking honest, I miss it a lot. Whenever I saw someone run, I kinda get that feeling. The wind and the speed. As if its hugging me. Saying hi to the old friend who will rudely collide them when she ran once upon a time. I dont have that stamina anymore. My hyper energy are wasted with disturbing friends a lot.

I miss running. I miss the wind. I miss the time when my heart beating fast and I was so fucking happy.

Life is like running too. You run so fast enjoy everything at that moment and when you look back, lot of thing have been left behind and there you are, at the finishing line.

I wish at the end of my life, I am as happy as I am on the field.

Why am I writing this? I dont want to lose the feeling.

One Who Walked Away

Korang pernah tak rapat dengan seseorang (tak kiralah lelaki atau perempuan. kawan baik atau lebih) untuk satu tempoh yang meyakinkan, but then they walked away? Pernah?

Have you count how many people have walked away from your life? 1, 2? Countless?

Some people said this to me.

"Biarlah diorang yang nak pergi. Lantak. Yang stay, stay."
"You wanna get out from my life, here, I'll open the door for you to go."
"Diorang yang tak tahu menghargai. Biar ajelah.."

The problem with me is, I cant let go. I think about it a lot.

Have you ever thought about the reason they walk away?

Have you, JUST MAYBE, think, the reason is.... YOU?

Dont take the reason for granted, babe. The one who walk away, let them go, but take the reason they go with you so you can improved yourself for the better.

Kawan kau yang dulu pernah sama-sama ada saat jatuh bangun kau. Yang pernah terima semua kekurangan kau. Yang simpan semua rahsia kau. Yang jadi tulang belakang kau, Tiba-tiba jadi stranger with memories. Tak sedih ke? At one point when YOU THINK you get betrayed, you cant help but see them in hatred. You wont remember those sweet little things they ever did. You will only remember the betrayal part. But trust me, in the deepest corner of your heart, you're still wondering why. You missed those shits. You craved for the friendship. After all those bullshit you went through together, why they left? What makes you not good enough? What makes them found someone better? What makes them a betrayer?

Have you ever think that the answer to that is probably, YOU?

One or two people walk away, probably, isnt your fault. But if you tell me "everyone who said they will stay, left", there is definitely something wrong with the way you treat people around you.

Those who stay even when everybody left, keep them closer. Treat them better. They probably hate the way you treat them but they stay long enough because they love you so much. They get used to the pain. They dont care if they get hurt but they dont want to leave you alone. I dont understand the power of love but yes, that always a strong reason for someone to stay even in the shittiest day. (sorry I used the S-word alot).

But love can fade you know. Especially when you never learn to appreciate. Thats what make people who once there in your life, aint there anymore.

Some of us took people around them for granted. Because you think they will always there. They got your back. But they are human. They arent perfect. They get hurt and they are in pain. Leaving you behind probably is the last option they put at the end of the road. But you are the one who pushed them to the finishing line.

"If you cant accept me at my worst, you dont deserved me at my best"
"Accept me for who I am"

What nonsense are you talking about. Who are you to say that to someone who always give their best for you? Aint that a stupid excuse? Yes, be who you really are. But that dont give you a right to be an asshole or dumbass. You dont have the right to treat people like bullshit when they always there.

Who are you TO TEST people around you if they gonna stick around at your worst.

I've learn a lot from people around me. Treat them as if it is the last.

You will have them forever.

Unless they are the dumbass.

Yes, banyak je orang baik kena betrayed. But what I learned from this people who got betrayed, let them betrayed you, you dont betray people.

Coz at the end of the day, what you give, you will get back.

Have a good day folks.

He love me, He did.

He love me, he did..
I can always feel the heat..
He never tell me, but I could read..
He said I make his life complete.

He love me, always..
Its written all over his face..
He call me all night and days..
Its like every second cant be waste..

And I always know he love me..
I love him too, really..
But he didnt see me coming..
All he did was running..

Maybe he was scared of the pain..
He dont know I'm not playing game..
I guess he thought all the girls are the same..
I'm a poor summer, waiting for the rain.

Now he realised how loyal and trusted I can be..
How I'm not the same and just keep being me..
But everything he know, everything he see..
Is my happiness with a new somebody..

He know they were right.
I was worth the fight..
He know if he took the chance..
I'll be his sunshine..

One who never make me cry..
One who gave me butterfly..
One who sent me goodbye..
With lots of love, sparkle in his eyes..

I love you too, I do..
But the love I used to fight for,
I no longer do..
Not anymore..

The Ficent

Nama dalam sijil lahir, Nurul Najiha Bt Ahmad Nawir.  No IC... eh, no..no.. too much information plak..  lol.

Aku ingat lagi sem 1, budak ni duduk kat sebelah meja aku tu pun lepas berapa kali rombak.  Aku ni kan pemalu errghh, pemalu sangat kann so aku x berani sangat tegur orang. Aku ingat orang-orang pertama yang tegur aku masa tu Ieka Shun dengan Farzana Fozi (dua buddy yang xkan terpisah). Memang awesome sangat dua orang ni. Diorang layan aku macam kawan lama. And masa kena rombak tu aku sedih la juga. Apatah lagi lepas habis kelas, on the way ke pintu pagar utama, Ieka Shun pesan,

 "Jangan lupa kami tau.. Tegur-tegur la selalu.."

Peerggghhh.. Macam nak pergi perang aku rasa. Macam takkan jumpa dah. Walhal ubah posisi dalam kelas je.. Pusing-pusing nampak muka tu juga.. Tapi emo arhh time tu. Sebab diorang yang paling rapat dengan aku. Dan aku tak kenal orang sangat. Aku kan pemalu..

Masa zaman melodrama forever alone tu, nasib baik la aku duduk sebelah orang yang peramah dia, si Jiha ni.. Budak ni selalu minta paper(newspaper) dekat aku. Sebab nak tengok zodiak. Setiap hari pulak tu. Masa tu tiap-tiap hari, kelas akan dapat paper. Aku kan lonely. Dari duduk sorang tak tau nak buat apa, baik aku baca paper. So aku selalu yang pertama. Dia akan cop paper lepas aku. Aku dah boleh hafal zodiak dia apa. And persahabatan tu bermula dengan ayat, "Weyh, nak paper.." for the WHOLE SEM. Like seriously? No.

Sebab paper tu, aku berani jugak la tegur-tegur dia. Duk sebelah je kot, takkan tak tegur. Kau duduk bawah tempurung ke tak nampak dia? Sembang-sembang. Tu pun, nak terabur gigi tak tau nak cakap apa. Pemalu sungguh. Aku nampak kuku dia panjang. So aku guna kuku dia la modal nak sembang kali pertama.

"Main gitar ke?"

LOL... Awkward alert. Aku bukan pianist. But I can play piano sikit-sikit. tekan-tekan macam budak kecik. And I know some friends yang boleh main gitar, biasanya kuku mereka panjang sebab yang kuku tak panjang tu, hujung jari mesti sado kalau tak guna picks. Acah-acah musician la ni.. Pastu dia cakap

"Tak.."

Ya Allah, malunyeerrr.. Aku senyum jelah.. Pastu dia tanya kenapa. Aku cakap la reason aku tanya. Awkward. Entah sejak bila tah aku dah boleh masuk dengan dia. Sembang-sembang. Cari pasal. I'm a trouble-maker,  Garang kot makcik ni rupanya.. Masa mula jumpa sweet je.. Dia baik, caring and etc.. Cuma dont get on her bad-side. I remember her as a perfectionist. Veeeery detailed person. Kalau tengok nota dia, wuuuu.. boleh jual.

Lagi lama kenal dia, lagi sedar dia ada pengaruh Angelina Jolie dan Scarlett Johansson. And aku panggil dia Ficent (from Maleficent) sebab dia ni ala-ala Fairy-Godmother untuk kami semua. Aku memang panggil semua classmates "Kakak". Tapi lagi selesa panggil the real kakak, 'kakak'. Maksud aku as 'REAL', bukan sebab dia adik kat rumah. Tapi sebab dia baik sangat. Macam kakak. Kalau kau buat silap, dia tegur, dia marah, dia betulkan. Kalau kau baik dia baik laa.. Which barely happen TO ME sebab aku selalu cari pasal dengan dia.. And the thing about the real kakak, you can always pick a fight with her but she will always got your back. Thats her.

Ficent has her special someone ok dude, boleh back off sekarang. She love him damn much. Selalu beseri bila cerita pasal that guy. Aku ingat kali pertama dia tunjuk pic 'abang ipar', she has that 'I love him' written all over her face. I'm happy for her too.. Seronok tengok orang bahagia. I believe they can be happy ever after. I'll pray for you kak. Always. May wherever you go, will lead you to Happiness and Prosperity.

She's very beautiful but she's very humble, garang, loyal and caring jugak, Lol. Abang ipar (capital A), please take good care of my sister.. She have you and you and you only. Walaupun dia garang eh, tak tak tak.. Walaupun korang jauh, sayang dia still sama. So dont worry. Kami perhatikan dia.

Aku ada kakak lain jugak. Elsa and Yuyun.. Ficent is the eldest and the scariest sister. BUT this scariest sister boleh relate dengan most of things ever happen in my life. And she closest to all of us, her "little-but-not-so-little" sistersssss. Actually, today is her special day. But she wont be able to see this post coz I will never tell her kewujudan blog ni. Maybe juga sebab aku alergik puji banyak-banyak ni. But still, I wrote one so I wont forget. I have one of the best sister.

She's a fairy. 

Bila Bdk jadi Fasi Budak2

Orientasi form 1 Ibrahim High School (IHS).. Waarrgghh!! Sukanya.. Penantian 4 tahun berakhir dengan berlangsungnya orientasi bagi tahun 2012.

Aku xnak cerita byk. Sikit-sikit cukuplah sebagai kenangan manis pnh jadi seorg fasi untuk adik2 junior terakhir di IHS. (terakhir bg kakak2 form 5 ya.. jgn slh fhm). Part paling gembira adalah dapat tiup wisel.. yeay~~ Kembali ke zaman kegemilangan kanak2..

Dalam byk2 acara, Aku paling suka 'night walk'. Bahagia betul dpt bawa bdk2 yg ditutup mata jalan dlm 'hutan'. Mereka tak dapat melihat, jadi mereka perlu sgt peka dgn keadaan sekeliling. Mereka juga perlu belajar mempercayai si pemandu arah walaupun terang lagi nyata diorg ditipu. Banyak perkara boleh blajar dari situ. Tahu tak, ada satu kawasan ni, Aku dgn kwn2 bawa adik2 kumpulan aku (upin-ipin) jalan2. Sambil2 tu, kitorg mengusik la apa yg patut. Andre jalan paling depan. Kawasan tu berumput. Tetiba, Andre menjerit dan lari bertempiaran. Semua fasi termasuk adik2 yg tertutup mata tu pun ikut berlari. Ingatkan nmpk 'benda', rupanya kena gigit serangga!!

Aku sakit perut malam tu. Tak berapa sihat untuk aktiviti outdoor. Tapi semangat utk kenakan adik2, lbh kuat dr rasa sakit. (actually, tiap2 tmpt diorg bhenti, Aku curi2 duduk. Tak tahan. Rasa dicucuk). Part kitorg tinggalkan bdk2 ni kat kawasan lapang, adalah part paling best. wahai fasi geng upin ipin, sluar aku kotor jgk dgn bedak sejuk tu. Buat bunyi yang mngerikan.. baling air.. Ni aku nk marah.. skali dgn aku kena baling. Basah kasut and stoking aku. korg tahu la kan bila pakai stoking basah. yukss..

Kitorg pisahkan bdk2 ni asing2.. ada yg 2 org.. 3 org and paling bernasib baik dpt duduk sorg2.. Aku xingat siapa tapi dia ni antara bdk lonely yg kena duduk sorg2 laa.. Aku pegi ngusik dia.

"Kenapa kacau tmpt aku?"

"Allahuakbar20X"

"Panas!! Behenti2!!"

"Allahuakbar44X" *even louder..

Lps tu aku diam n gelak tergolek kat sebelah dia.. dia tak tahu.. and itu menambah parah kesakitan yg dh mmg sakit.

Aku jalan plak pegi kat bdk yg 3 org. Aku dh xlarat sgt. Aku duduk sblah diorg diam2.. Xkacau pun. Dgr je apa diorg nk ckp. Baca ayat kursi, baca selawat.. hmm.. bagus2.. tetiba mereka berdiskusi,

"Mana kakak2?"

"entah.. mata tutup mana tahu.. tadi kan kakak2 ckp nk cari kawan2 kita yg hilang nk mai sini."

"kakak2 tinggal kita.."

"Tak.. kakak2 cari kawan2 kita.."

Aku tahan ja gelak. Aku panggil kawan lelaki aku sorg kcu diorg. Dia buat suara nenek tua ajak bdk2 tu ikut balik rumah. Ala2 nenek kebayan laa.. Bdk2 tu terus baca ayat kursi sehabis volume. Kami dua gelak tunggu sampai diorg hbs baca. bila diorg stop, kwn aku td tanya,

"Dah habis baca dik? Jom ikut nenek balik."

ultrasound punya diorg kuatkan lagi bacaan. Dan aku rasa mcm nk pitam sbb tahan gelak.

Lagi sorg kwn aku (lelaki) dtg. Dia guna suara dia la.. Ni ujian je utk diorg menepis godaan/anasir liar. Dia minta nk pegang. Tapi aku la yg sentuh bdk2 tu.aiseehh!! Xkan nk suruh dia pgg btl2 plak. anak org tu!! Aku pegang tgn sorg girl ni. Dia larikan tgn dia. Aku sentuh bahu dia, dia tepis kasar. Ok good girl. aku yang sakit. Then, aku suruh kwn aku tu pegi and aku duduk la disblah bdk2 3 org tu sampai tamat. actually, aku dh terlalu sakit utk bergerak. whats wrong with my tummy? Kitorg hbs dlm pkul 4.30 pagi(bkn waktu sbnr).

Lps tu, adik2 kump aku citer la apa yg berlaku smlm pd keesokan harinya. Termasuklah permintaan nk pegang tu. Yang aku ada ditempat kejadian tu.

"Kami semua tak bagi. Tapi kan kak, pelik laa.."

"Apa yg pelik?"

"Kami dpt rasa tgn dia lembut.. Xkasar pun.. Mcm tgn perempuan."

Aku senyum jelaa.. Memang tangan perempuan pun. Aduhai bdk2.. =)

love from the bottom of my heart,

kak jessica

(nickname fasi)

Funny moment in class #2

Matapelajaran SEJARAH adalah antara matapelajaran kegemaran aku. Tapi seperti yang sedia maklum, matapelajaran sejarah adalah BEDTIME story bagi majoriti pelajar termasuklah aku sendiri. wahaha..

Masa F1, aku selalu tertidur waktu sejarah. Aku selalu kena tegur dgn kwn sebelah aku (Farrah Mursyida) dan juga kawan2 diseberang meja (Hasliana dan Intan), bahawa

"Kalau nak tidur, tidur terus.. Tak payah tidur dalam keadaan duduk menegak!!"

Serius, aku boleh tertidur walaupun duduk tegak. Peringatan sekali lagi, TEEERRR.. bukan sengaja nak tidur.. Memandangkan aku berada diposisi hadapan, setiap tahun, aku antara yang menghuni bahagian depan., cikgu selalu tak perasan. yelah, duduk tegak plak tu. Dan selalunya, budak2 barisan hadapan jarang disoal oleh cikgu sebab cikgu kan berdiri, xkan dia nak tunduk tengok kita. Mestilah mata dia kebelakang memenuhi seluruh ruangan kelas. Aku selamat sepanjang tahun pertama. kuang..kuang..kuang..

F2, daya 'ketegakan' badan aku semasa tidur dalam keadaan duduk semakin kurang.. Kepala aku akan menunduk ke bawah sedikit. Dalam kadar 60 degree dari bahagian dada. Cikgu sejarah F2 aku adalah cikgu yang sangat teliti. Dan dia selalu nampak aku tertidur. Dia xtegur. Dia kejutkan dengan cara perlahan-lahan. Awal tahun dia selalu urut tangan aku sambil mulut terus bercakap. Kiranya student lain xperasan aku tertidur. Pertengahan tahun dia AKTIF sikit. Urutan tak jadi, dia SEPAK terus kaki aku bawah meja. Malu~ Orang xpnh tahu.. Huhu.. Diakhir sesi pelajaran, dia selalu cakap aku student yang bagus..

"Dia pejam mata bila cikgu cerita. Apa orang kata, FOKUS?? Hmm.. Tu tanda dia mendengar dgn teliti."

Padat~ Sentap!! Masa F3, daya ketegakan aku semakin lemah. Kepala aku jatuh 90 degree terus!! Means, tersengguk-sengguk.. Dekna, kawan sebelah aku, penah tampar, cubit, urut, panggil diam2, sampai dia pun ikut tertidur sekali jangkit dengan aku. WAHAHA.. Cikgu F3 lagi sentap.

"Dari tadi dia angguk-angguk cikgu cakap. Duk betul-betul.. Cikgu tanya pun angguk jugak. Haru sungguh."

Aku senyum ja.. seperti biasa, SMILE~~ Nasib baiklah aku dapat A.. Kalau tak, malang cikgu dapat student macam aku. Menjatuhkan imej cikgu berkaliber je..

Tapi serious.. aku sangat bertuah sebab tiga-tiga tahun tu, cikgu Sejarah aku adalah antara cikgu terbaik sekolah sebab tu aku boleh dapat A. Nak harap aku dan aku dan aku sahaja? Lupakan. Dont even dream,