A Runner

I was a runner. Not just an ordinary runner.
I am a runner.
And I'm a winner.

Ini cerita zaman sekolah rendah ajelah. Pelari untuk rumah sukan sekolah.

I'm born with extra-hyper-energy (that I believe still in me until today but not as much as the 7-12 years old me blessed with). Aku memang lasak habis. Aku pernah cerita aku pecah masuk pagar hospital. Tak ada kanak-kanak perempuan nak kawan aku. The girls yang jadi kawan aku cuma dua orang kakak umur 16tahun and I was 6. Lain semua lelaki. At one point of my life, I do believe my mom tak expect her daughter will be perempuan sejati like today. Alhamdulillah. Kalau tak, matilanaakkkk...

Masa 6 tahun tu jugak, kitorang pindah kampung and guess what, aku lagi lasak. Tapi yang bestnya duduk kampung, selasak-lasak kau masuk sawah padi, panjat pokok kelapa or main kejar-kejar satu kampung, there will always time for main kawin-kawin. Tapi aku tak pernah dapat role pengantin (menci arr). Tapi bersyukur jugak arr.. Kang time wedding sebenar, suami zaman kanak-kanak aku sampai acaner? Dah la kawin tak pernah cerai.

Okay, kita dah tersasar jauh dari cerita sebenar entry ni.  Kat mana tadi? Ah, I was a runner.

I was a runner and I was a winner. Aku suka sangat berlari. Aktif sungguh. Masa darjah 1, mana aku tahu ada pertandingan lumba lari. Mana aku tahu hari sukan tu apa. Cikgu suruh lari, aku laaaaari je.

I remember the first time I ran for saringan tahun 1, the blur me was told to run and I did run sepenuh hati with the other tahun 1 yang lain. Ala, comel.. I just ran and it was so nice when your body colliding with the wind. And everything around you seems so slow coz you are the fastest and bila kau pusing tengok belakang, semua orang dah jauh kena tinggal and you are the leading one.

Sedar-sedar dah kat garisan penamat. Dah lepas penjaga masa. And kau start slow down while waiting for the rest of your friends to reach the finishing line.

As I grew older, aku selalu masuk acara larian. I will win no matter what. Eventhough I'm not the first, I will still get the 2nd or 3rd. It was so great. Zaman kegemilangan.

Aku ingat saat kawan-kawan cuba berlari untuk potong aku and I was teasing them by slow down a bit but terus pecut when we are damn near the finishing line. I remember always looking back to see how far I've left people behind. I remember how fast the wind are, touching my face, my skin, my hair (masa tu free-hair lagi). And the thing I will never forget was my heart was aching, beating so damn fast and yes, I'm so fucking happy. I will trade everything to have that damn moment back.

I remember how free I was when I ran. I think of nothing and I'm one with the wind. God know how I miss that moment. God know how running make me feel so fucking free and I AM ME. Thats how I spend my hyper energy so well.

I hung up my jersey when I was 13. I leave the running life. The field. And THE FEEL. I'm focusing on academic and my new friends arent really sport-people. I do, once in my life feel like running is just wasting my time. And I thought I should learn to be more feminist and lady-like. My physical changed and I'm no longer a flat little lady. It makes me uncomfortable to run around with that new body. So just like that, my life as a runner end.

But to be fucking honest, I miss it a lot. Whenever I saw someone run, I kinda get that feeling. The wind and the speed. As if its hugging me. Saying hi to the old friend who will rudely collide them when she ran once upon a time. I dont have that stamina anymore. My hyper energy are wasted with disturbing friends a lot.

I miss running. I miss the wind. I miss the time when my heart beating fast and I was so fucking happy.

Life is like running too. You run so fast enjoy everything at that moment and when you look back, lot of thing have been left behind and there you are, at the finishing line.

I wish at the end of my life, I am as happy as I am on the field.

Why am I writing this? I dont want to lose the feeling.

One Who Walked Away

Korang pernah tak rapat dengan seseorang (tak kiralah lelaki atau perempuan. kawan baik atau lebih) untuk satu tempoh yang meyakinkan, but then they walked away? Pernah?

Have you count how many people have walked away from your life? 1, 2? Countless?

Some people said this to me.

"Biarlah diorang yang nak pergi. Lantak. Yang stay, stay."
"You wanna get out from my life, here, I'll open the door for you to go."
"Diorang yang tak tahu menghargai. Biar ajelah.."

The problem with me is, I cant let go. I think about it a lot.

Have you ever thought about the reason they walk away?

Have you, JUST MAYBE, think, the reason is.... YOU?

Dont take the reason for granted, babe. The one who walk away, let them go, but take the reason they go with you so you can improved yourself for the better.

Kawan kau yang dulu pernah sama-sama ada saat jatuh bangun kau. Yang pernah terima semua kekurangan kau. Yang simpan semua rahsia kau. Yang jadi tulang belakang kau, Tiba-tiba jadi stranger with memories. Tak sedih ke? At one point when YOU THINK you get betrayed, you cant help but see them in hatred. You wont remember those sweet little things they ever did. You will only remember the betrayal part. But trust me, in the deepest corner of your heart, you're still wondering why. You missed those shits. You craved for the friendship. After all those bullshit you went through together, why they left? What makes you not good enough? What makes them found someone better? What makes them a betrayer?

Have you ever think that the answer to that is probably, YOU?

One or two people walk away, probably, isnt your fault. But if you tell me "everyone who said they will stay, left", there is definitely something wrong with the way you treat people around you.

Those who stay even when everybody left, keep them closer. Treat them better. They probably hate the way you treat them but they stay long enough because they love you so much. They get used to the pain. They dont care if they get hurt but they dont want to leave you alone. I dont understand the power of love but yes, that always a strong reason for someone to stay even in the shittiest day. (sorry I used the S-word alot).

But love can fade you know. Especially when you never learn to appreciate. Thats what make people who once there in your life, aint there anymore.

Some of us took people around them for granted. Because you think they will always there. They got your back. But they are human. They arent perfect. They get hurt and they are in pain. Leaving you behind probably is the last option they put at the end of the road. But you are the one who pushed them to the finishing line.

"If you cant accept me at my worst, you dont deserved me at my best"
"Accept me for who I am"

What nonsense are you talking about. Who are you to say that to someone who always give their best for you? Aint that a stupid excuse? Yes, be who you really are. But that dont give you a right to be an asshole or dumbass. You dont have the right to treat people like bullshit when they always there.

Who are you TO TEST people around you if they gonna stick around at your worst.

I've learn a lot from people around me. Treat them as if it is the last.

You will have them forever.

Unless they are the dumbass.

Yes, banyak je orang baik kena betrayed. But what I learned from this people who got betrayed, let them betrayed you, you dont betray people.

Coz at the end of the day, what you give, you will get back.

Have a good day folks.

He love me, He did.

He love me, he did..
I can always feel the heat..
He never tell me, but I could read..
He said I make his life complete.

He love me, always..
Its written all over his face..
He call me all night and days..
Its like every second cant be waste..

And I always know he love me..
I love him too, really..
But he didnt see me coming..
All he did was running..

Maybe he was scared of the pain..
He dont know I'm not playing game..
I guess he thought all the girls are the same..
I'm a poor summer, waiting for the rain.

Now he realised how loyal and trusted I can be..
How I'm not the same and just keep being me..
But everything he know, everything he see..
Is my happiness with a new somebody..

He know they were right.
I was worth the fight..
He know if he took the chance..
I'll be his sunshine..

One who never make me cry..
One who gave me butterfly..
One who sent me goodbye..
With lots of love, sparkle in his eyes..

I love you too, I do..
But the love I used to fight for,
I no longer do..
Not anymore..

The Ficent

Nama dalam sijil lahir, Nurul Najiha Bt Ahmad Nawir.  No IC... eh, no..no.. too much information plak..  lol.

Aku ingat lagi sem 1, budak ni duduk kat sebelah meja aku tu pun lepas berapa kali rombak.  Aku ni kan pemalu errghh, pemalu sangat kann so aku x berani sangat tegur orang. Aku ingat orang-orang pertama yang tegur aku masa tu Ieka Shun dengan Farzana Fozi (dua buddy yang xkan terpisah). Memang awesome sangat dua orang ni. Diorang layan aku macam kawan lama. And masa kena rombak tu aku sedih la juga. Apatah lagi lepas habis kelas, on the way ke pintu pagar utama, Ieka Shun pesan,

 "Jangan lupa kami tau.. Tegur-tegur la selalu.."

Peerggghhh.. Macam nak pergi perang aku rasa. Macam takkan jumpa dah. Walhal ubah posisi dalam kelas je.. Pusing-pusing nampak muka tu juga.. Tapi emo arhh time tu. Sebab diorang yang paling rapat dengan aku. Dan aku tak kenal orang sangat. Aku kan pemalu..

Masa zaman melodrama forever alone tu, nasib baik la aku duduk sebelah orang yang peramah dia, si Jiha ni.. Budak ni selalu minta paper(newspaper) dekat aku. Sebab nak tengok zodiak. Setiap hari pulak tu. Masa tu tiap-tiap hari, kelas akan dapat paper. Aku kan lonely. Dari duduk sorang tak tau nak buat apa, baik aku baca paper. So aku selalu yang pertama. Dia akan cop paper lepas aku. Aku dah boleh hafal zodiak dia apa. And persahabatan tu bermula dengan ayat, "Weyh, nak paper.." for the WHOLE SEM. Like seriously? No.

Sebab paper tu, aku berani jugak la tegur-tegur dia. Duk sebelah je kot, takkan tak tegur. Kau duduk bawah tempurung ke tak nampak dia? Sembang-sembang. Tu pun, nak terabur gigi tak tau nak cakap apa. Pemalu sungguh. Aku nampak kuku dia panjang. So aku guna kuku dia la modal nak sembang kali pertama.

"Main gitar ke?"

LOL... Awkward alert. Aku bukan pianist. But I can play piano sikit-sikit. tekan-tekan macam budak kecik. And I know some friends yang boleh main gitar, biasanya kuku mereka panjang sebab yang kuku tak panjang tu, hujung jari mesti sado kalau tak guna picks. Acah-acah musician la ni.. Pastu dia cakap

"Tak.."

Ya Allah, malunyeerrr.. Aku senyum jelah.. Pastu dia tanya kenapa. Aku cakap la reason aku tanya. Awkward. Entah sejak bila tah aku dah boleh masuk dengan dia. Sembang-sembang. Cari pasal. I'm a trouble-maker,  Garang kot makcik ni rupanya.. Masa mula jumpa sweet je.. Dia baik, caring and etc.. Cuma dont get on her bad-side. I remember her as a perfectionist. Veeeery detailed person. Kalau tengok nota dia, wuuuu.. boleh jual.

Lagi lama kenal dia, lagi sedar dia ada pengaruh Angelina Jolie dan Scarlett Johansson. And aku panggil dia Ficent (from Maleficent) sebab dia ni ala-ala Fairy-Godmother untuk kami semua. Aku memang panggil semua classmates "Kakak". Tapi lagi selesa panggil the real kakak, 'kakak'. Maksud aku as 'REAL', bukan sebab dia adik kat rumah. Tapi sebab dia baik sangat. Macam kakak. Kalau kau buat silap, dia tegur, dia marah, dia betulkan. Kalau kau baik dia baik laa.. Which barely happen TO ME sebab aku selalu cari pasal dengan dia.. And the thing about the real kakak, you can always pick a fight with her but she will always got your back. Thats her.

Ficent has her special someone ok dude, boleh back off sekarang. She love him damn much. Selalu beseri bila cerita pasal that guy. Aku ingat kali pertama dia tunjuk pic 'abang ipar', she has that 'I love him' written all over her face. I'm happy for her too.. Seronok tengok orang bahagia. I believe they can be happy ever after. I'll pray for you kak. Always. May wherever you go, will lead you to Happiness and Prosperity.

She's very beautiful but she's very humble, garang, loyal and caring jugak, Lol. Abang ipar (capital A), please take good care of my sister.. She have you and you and you only. Walaupun dia garang eh, tak tak tak.. Walaupun korang jauh, sayang dia still sama. So dont worry. Kami perhatikan dia.

Aku ada kakak lain jugak. Elsa and Yuyun.. Ficent is the eldest and the scariest sister. BUT this scariest sister boleh relate dengan most of things ever happen in my life. And she closest to all of us, her "little-but-not-so-little" sistersssss. Actually, today is her special day. But she wont be able to see this post coz I will never tell her kewujudan blog ni. Maybe juga sebab aku alergik puji banyak-banyak ni. But still, I wrote one so I wont forget. I have one of the best sister.

She's a fairy.