R.I.P 20s

Dear self,

Life takes us for a rollercoaster ride and I havent been able to write for years.

Although life been quite tough, my previous version of me has handle them well and I'm quite happy with where I am now. 

I read through my older posts and I swear to God I cringe hard. I almost press that delete button (AND I DID PRESS THE BUTTON for few post because I guess my older self would cringe even harder). The post I didnt delete, although I find it hard to reread, that was me. I would want to remember her despite the cringiness written all over. 

There are few things I would like to remember from this version of life. Hence, I write. I'm writing this to you, my dear self, who is reading this in future. Somewhere this version of me has been altered a couple of times - I guess. Or are you still me? Oh please be a better one.

I met a couple of good friends in my workplace. Kak Ayu, Aqilah and Vin. All I considered my sisters. I love them so much because they bring joy in my working life. Imagine being able to have fun in a hectic environment. Imagine being able to laugh at the face of hardship? I dont have to imagine them.

But Kak Ayu and Aqilah are now transferred to a new better place. I was sad but Im happy for them. So Vin is all I have now - to keep me sane. But we manage to survive well so far.

I chose to further study and the first week makes me feel like dropping out because the lecturer keeps cursing us. Take a chill pill man, its just the first day. He also made me stay up for the first time because the day after the lecture, we have to do a presentation which carry 30% of our total marks. That's super crazy but survive that too.

I know I couldnt write long. Its almost 10.30am and I have to get ready for appointments. 

I wish I could tell you a lot more so you have things to remember in the future.

F.

Welcome to 2020

Henlo,

Welp, I'm in 2020. Years passed since my first entry. Occasionally visiting this old blog for the sake of old memories. I really was that kid with such mentality. Still searching for self identity. But hey, 2020!!

I'm writing this for my future self.

Since the end of 2019, the world is weirdly in a very bad shape. Corona virus.We used to be under MCO (Movement Control Order) or PKP, then moved to PKPB (Bersyarat) where we can go around under strict SOP. Then we have PKPP (Pemulihan AND we also have PKPD - Diperketat). Ops, goodluck future kids answering sejarah.

During the MCO, we cant go anywhere. Everyone stay at home. One person per house to go out buying groceries. Always wearing mask. Hands sanitizer everywhere. Social distancing.

I went out once because I'm the head of MY household - the rest were at risk (elders) so I'm the best candidate to go out for the family. I saw police around and that scared me when I did nothing wrong. It just feel wrong to go out even when I'm allowed to.

I was supposed to enter the new phase of my life in March then it get delayed to June because of MCO. Life gets back to normal now. Thank God.

You know what, I'm gonna stop here because I'm quite tired. Today is quite tiring for me. But you did well dear self. So maybe someday, I'll write again after I've list down what happened in 2020.

But just so you know, each year has the same 365days, right?
2020 is the longest 365 so far and its not even 365 YET! For the record, I'm writing this in JUNE.

Take care everyone. Since its still 2020, the virus is still around, you have to take very good care of yourself.

Wear mask. Avoid crowded places. Keep your social distance!

Last Memo to My Bestfriend (as a degree student)

Henlo,

Im writing this in the hall, before the ceremony. You havent arrived yet. Im worried as hell. There, arrived, my bestfriend looking so pretty. Your kasut now. Have to worry about your kasut. Last phone call, you told me the kasut rosak. My heart almost burst takut for you. Hahahhaha.. Selendang tersilap now, aiyooo. Im looking from behind. You are currently tgh kemaskan rambut. Kasut prob settle. All is well now. Vice Canselor tgh berucap.

Im writing this just before we finished the ceremony. Tunku Canselor tengah berucap. Last one. Love the way he talked. Like he only has points and he elaborate them all there, no texts. Love it. Im looking at you from my place nk cakap itulaa.. Love the way he talked. Hahahahahah.. You are always the first person I thought whenever I have stories or any random things to share. He was talking bout graduating phd at 27. Wow! Subang etc. And he's giving us the Usman Awang punya sajak.

Im writing this in front of the masjid. While waiting for you with the gift that came all the way from India. My heart hurts knowing you guys walked from Dewan Besar to Padang Kawad. I HOPE it will be a funny story to talk with your friends someday. Dr Maria texted she cant make it to take pic with us. Its okay.
You came. In a white car, its a full house car. Hahahahha cute ja duduk atas riba. Not sure if you notice i was waving you. Wondering when is the next. Then eh, The next is next week.

Im writing this in a car. I usually got dizzy writing or reading in a moving car but I guess Im alright now. My mind is occupied. I already miss you, miss my student life. Adulthood is scary. Im jealous how you seems to dont have much trouble about it. Or you just hide it well. Idk. You are always and will always be a strong person in my eyes. You inspired me so much. Like a real sister I have and will always looked up to.

Im writing this before im going to bed. The letter makes me go T.T . I wont be able to drag your blanket anymore but I'll disturb you from time to time. Merikor, from a classmate to housemate to roommate, a bestfriend, a sister I love so dear, Im so thankful you exist in my life.  I wont be seeing you everyday dah after this but I'll always available for whenever you need me.

This may seems like an open letter but its not complete without that one letter I gave on graduation day. Therefore, a complete memo can only be read by that one and only, receiver of that letter. A friend I dedicated this memo for.

Take care lovely sister. I love you bunches.

Congratulations!

Phenji - Mietoto

(A Time Capsule Letter to my Dearest Friend)

Hey, I have wrote about you a few times in Your One Sweet Bestfriend and The Value of Gifts. I would be very glad if you could check them out first before reading this entry.

From the last time I wrote about you, your current nickname is Toto. Sometimes I called you Totoyo. From Merito to Mieto to Mietoto to Toto and Totoyo real fast. You are used to be called Miss Grumpy too. Most of my insta stories are about you, being grumpy af.

From a person who will say 'sorry' when I said 'shit' and rephrase it with the 'S-word', I can say '**** Y**' without hesitation now (let's not take that as an achievement unlocked). From someone who care so much about what people think of me, I grow to not give an F. My point is, it must be weird to see such changes in me but then again, bila je aku tak pelik?

I became extra clingy with you lately because I started to realize how little time is left before we will go our different ways. We will meet again, obviously, but it might not be the same. New life, new place, new responsibility, new commitment, new people. But I promise you will always be one of my favourites. So bear with my clingy-ness a bit more. Bear with my weirdness, clumsiness, annoying-ness, retard-ness (they are some obvious made-up words there but whatever). The thing is, I'm gonna miss this moments.

We fight a lot though. Most of it because of me, being annoying but disturbing you, is a real hobby. I told you I can start a part-time job as your annoyer(made up word again). I love to stay on the right side of your bed. Love to rephrase your sentence with annoying voice. Love to pull your hair (bully alert), poke your cheek and make you mad. Must be a real torture right, Toto. We are very different yet we managed to stay together through out the semesters. I'm writing this in semester 5. Three semesters to go and I'm not sure what will happen to us. But I really hope to survive this 4 years with you. You are more than just a sister, Shargu. You are my all-types sibling. You can be a sister, a younger sister, a sibling I fight a lot and a sibling I shared most.

Ah, I called you Shargu. Because we used to sing Baby-Shark together and we started to call each other Sharkie. But we end up with individual names instead. You are a Shargu. I am a Sharbie.

Thank you for lending your stocking that one time in Dr Farah's class. Thank you for hugging me whenever I break down and need one. Thank you for listening. For always there behind my back. For pushing me to be better. I'm always thankful that HE send you here, Mieto. I rarely tell you that I'm very proud to have a friend like you, but I do. I really do. I looks up on you so much.

I might have forget about this letter once it arrived. I'm not sure if I'm still there in your life. I wish I am. If I do, then its your responsibility to remind me to this embarasing thing.

Love,
Sharbie

Liars of The World

I'm used to being lied at. I'm not talking about the bad liars. But a good liars. I grow up watching people lied almost everyday of my entire life. But good or bad, a lie is a lie. And it is still bad, even with a very pure honorable intention.

People lied as a way to escape, to save themselves. Or to bring temporary comfort which actually lead to instant road to hell. Giving false hope so you can wait for nothing. 

Everyone is the same. Most people used the same trick, same old way. To the point I dont trust anyone anymore. I dont believe in anyone. No, I HAVE NO ONE TO BELIEVE IN. There are people I should put my trust on, but I dont. You can throw me all your words I'm not going to take it. But YOU ARE WELCOME TO PROVE ME WRONG. I live by this rule everyday of my life.

In my opinion, maybe they thought they do you a favour by lying because it prevent you from hurting in that LITTLE. SHORT. TEMPORARY moment but what they dont know is, they were tattooing scars on your heart. The process is hurting and at the end of the day, it will leave a mark, permanently. Exactly like a tattoo. The only different is, it was scars. Bloody horrible scars.

A wall were build inside your heart along with the scars. A wall, this so called "good liars" contribute piece by piece and you still see it growing as if its not high enough yet. A wall that keep you safe, they said. It is actually a wall that makes you a cynical-words-holder. A wall that make words seems like a joke to you. A wall who dont believe in anything she heard because in this world, human are not to be trusted.

One thing you might dont know about being someone who cant believe is, its sad. Because you got nothing to expect from people but lies. It's sad because deep inside you still want to believe yet you cant. You know how the world work. You mastered the tricks. Nothing amuse you anymore.

Is it weird to develop phobia in trusting people? If it is, I am that weirdo.

I trust no one but myself.

Update: Dear my old self, life gets better. You are way far in a better place now.

Open Letter to My Golden Hearted Senior.

This is a memory. It will be long. I've told you in advance. Read at your own risk.

During my orientation day back in 2015, I was alone. Because I'm the only student from my high school in this IPTA. My housemates? They got friends from their school. So they barely home. I dont know my coursemates yet at the moment. Actually I know a few back from our interview days but they are in different college (hostel). So I thought, everyone have someone to go to. I have none. So I stayed in my room. It was so lifeless. Morning to evening, orientation. Night, alone in my room. Luckily, I'm good in talking-with-stranger-for-the-first-time. So I'm not that 'alone' during orientation. But I'm literally alone when its done. Different from other people, I cant wait for the day so I can join the orientation again. It was tiring but at least I have people to talk to.

The thing about talking to stranger, they dont last like a friend. Imagined knowing variety of different people within a week. Different people each day. If I meet someone, I will talk to them and shamelessly said "Hey, can I join?". I have this friendly easy to mingle vibe you see. I still wave at them whenever we meet these days and some of them still remember me as the-girl-during-orientation-day. I remember them as that too actually. I forgot the name because it was just for a day. But I memorized them faces very well. 

I forgot how many days were the orientation days but a day before it end, I was sick. I was so sick I nearly fainted on the bus. Because I didnt eat that morning. I dont have appetite and the weather is "VERY HELPING". It was so hot outside and very cold in the bus and soon when I went out from the bus, striking hot again on my head. That very same effing day, we have to walk from the main hall to this Dewan Kuliah which is super far (by walking). You have to cross a football field you know. maybe bigger than football field since I used to see boys playing football on the left side of the field and people practicing rugby on the right.

I was sick and I havent make friend yet that day, I have no one to turn to. I dont know to whom should I tell about my condition that I dont have the energy to join orientation today. I met one of my coursemates and she told me to inform the facilitator (faci). You know, the struggle is real okay. I call them but no one heard me. I was too weak. Probably my voice cant be heard too. I didnt eat, the weather is too much, I just come back from that far away land (DKP). And I was half-blind at the moment. This dark dots starting appear in front of my eyes. So I cant walk to them asking for help. My friend called them for me but they were too busy to see because they have the stage to attend. Maybe because they were in charge of the stage. So they wont bother about anything else. They dont even listen, okay. They just said "later.. later.." What later? Someone is dying here. Well, actually I didnt blame them on that. If I died, it was my fault actually. Who told me not to eat. Its not your home which you can go eat anytime you want. They provide everything already. So it was MY FAULT. Fully. But obviously I wanted to be save yeknow. I want someone to notice and do something. It was hurt. It hurt so much, my head ache. I feel my body was so weak I can fall anytime.

At that moment, there is a faci walk by me. She didnt noticed me either but I grab her hand (it happened that I sit far left, so I turn around a few time to see if there is anyone and a faci is coming. So I didnt say anything, just grab her hand). She didnt say "later.. later.." though I think it obvious she was walking to the front for a reason (I dont know what). She said "Are you sick? Can you walk with me to the back?". She hold me and brings me to the back hall where other faci(s) gathered. First thing she asked "Do you have fever?" I said I'm not sure. She asked if I've eat? She wanted to give me a panadol. I said I've take a panadol (my coursemate gave me earlier) but I havent eat yet. She smiles and said "You cant take panadol without eating. (panadol takkan react apa entah. Tak ingat. It something like, panadol cuma berkesan if you take it after you eat something). So she hand me a bread (roti gardinier 80sen tu) from her pocket. Told me to eat. She called her friends (under kebajikan or ubat2 ni semua) a chinese guy, wearing spec. He was nice too but I dont know him. I heard he know things yang guna jarum2 tu, orang panggil apatah. acupuncture? Idk lah. But when this guy was asking me this and that about my condition, I heard someone asked that faci who help me earlier. "Hey, have you eat?" and she said no. She said NO. She gave me her bread when she dont even eat yet. She gave me HER bread because I need it more. I feel bad though. Then she went to the front again. I was left at the back with this ajk kebajikan and few other faci(s).

I was touched by her first kindness handing me her bread when she havent ate. I thought that was her only kindness I will remember. Her task sending me to the back is over. But then she comes again with a mineral water and asked "do you have mineral?" I shake my head, no. She open the mineral for me and hand it over. I dont think it was her job to look after me. Coz I THINK she was under AJK Makanan (im not sure, I'm still guessing). It was very kind of her to come and check on me. It was nice and I did feel good. You know in a place where you are alone, no friends to turn to, was sick and want your family but you obviously cant, there is someone nice out of nowhere be there for you. Though it might be their responsibility to take care of the students, I still see her as a nice faci compare to the "later.. later..." faci(s). I remember her face because I want to remind myself, you owed her kindness. Someday if she is sick or in trouble, do help without hesitate. Because for a brief moment, she succeed in making me feel home.

Soon after orientation, I found out that she is my course senior. I know her name and her sem. She is a great individual. I may sound like a stalker but I'm not. I just eventually find out because she is one of the upper people in my course. I mean, she held a position in my course management. It was fun to know. I want to be a nice person like her. My friends work with her and they said she is very nice which I already acknowledge since orientation day.

I hope she get all the good things the world can offer for all those small little thing she did which most people didnt noticed. 

Keep doing good. You dont know which heart you touch with that kindness. You dont know whose world you changed with that kindness. Keep doing good. Keep doing good.

Sayonara!

The Value of Gifts

I believe that I have this big bright loving heart inside of me (kakakaka, shadap, dont try to stop me). So I have a lot more bright loving hearts that love me back. (okay, boleh kecam sekarang).

Tutup intro.

Aku baru dapat hadiah ni. It's not even my birthday yet but this one friend of mine memang suka bagi hadiah out of occasions. So kita bagi dia extra love sikit, It was a soft toy. Baby elephant. Because I'm short and fat, I'm an elephant. Basically elephant ni symbolize me laa.. I called her a giraffe because she's tall and skinny. She's actually quite pretty. I didnt write that.

Before this elephant, there were several more I would like to share here. Random gifts she gave out of occasion and makes me feel like, cryingggg..

First, she bought me a hello kitty bottle. Actually she bought me a KitKat yang contain botol hello kitty as a gift tu. I want that bottle. Aku nak beli sendiri sebenarnya tapi dia tolong bayarkan and she refused to take my money. So, it was a gift la kan? Then she gave me Eito, a cute baby bear. Kitorang pegi bundle and this Eito caught my eyes. Again, aku nak beli, dia yang bayarkan. Why you so nice arr, akka.. Soon after, I received a mysterious pink giant teddy bear. I dont know who gave it but I nearly throw it away la sebab my mom cakap kalau xtau sape bagi jangan terima. Takut jadi macam-macam (sorry family old school but I LOVE MA MOM). But before i threw it, I give that teddy a name, Terry (as in Mystery but Terry). I love him so much it so fluffy hamaigad but have to throw it away laa kan. Nasib I didnt lagi Jahhh sebab she and my roommate finally mengaku that it was kerja diorang. My besfriend bought it. My roommate bersekongkol. So Terry is safe and sound in my room now with Ken, my other bear since form 4. In general, I love toys. In specific, I love teddy (tak kisah lah teddy bear ke teddy frog ke teddy fish ke, but wait, teddy tu memang untuk bear je eh? whatever but aku suka la patung2 soft toys ni semua).

And I loves it more, because it was from her. My super duper bestfriend. There are several people I loves most when I received any present from them. Whatever it is. My family, my boyfriend, my bestfriends and PERFECT STRANGERS (okay, boleh start hantar hadiah kat aku sekarang. Nak alamat tak? BYE). My boyfriend gave me Apollo once and I still keep pembalut Apollo tu. kakaka...

The value of the gift, aint just because it was something I loves dearly or it was expensive, but people who gave it to me, have special place in my heart. I guess that is one of the reason why I treasure this so much.

Merito is sick when I wrote this. She has fever. She dont even go to Mr Sidik class. Not even Dr Hashimah class. It was quite bad. I lost my (precious 4months baby) phone recently so I guess it was her gesture to comfort me. She bought me this elephant. I asked her to named my baby elephant as an honour but she was too sick she forgot I ever asked that maybe. So I named it myself.

I dont know if she will ever know.

This baby elephant name is Lyco. Short for Lycopersicum. In case you dont know, Lycopersicum is scientific name for TOMATO. I only have one MeriTomato in this life so I need to honour her name in one of my teddy.

Thank you for everything Merito. Get well soon. Your Mok loves ya.